i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
