Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
