i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
