i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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