I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
