i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
