OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
