I wanna passion pit in your ass
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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