It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
