Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
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Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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