i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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