im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
