Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
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Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
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I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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