dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
