if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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