ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
