If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
