everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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