I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I touched a dick in church today
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
