just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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