tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I forget how to act sober
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