So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
They should really pass out barf bags in church
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
