nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
