there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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