i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
