I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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