i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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