we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
