Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
