You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
