Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
