Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
