true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
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I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
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I licked your asshole in confidence.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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