Did I show you my penis last night?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
