im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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