end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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