Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
