omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.