he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...