Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
