You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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