Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize