My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
