see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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