I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
nutella sex= disaster
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
