I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Girls should come with a carfax report
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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