I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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