I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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