YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
