Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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