hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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