I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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