I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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