You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
