Just fell off a train. Bad.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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