before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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