I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
