Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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