I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
