Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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