I was born with a shot glass in my hand
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
