Your mouth is God's brothel.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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